Friday, January 30, 2015

Powerless

His body was heavy on top of mine.  Wasn't this what I wanted?  He was popular, athletic, tall and handsome.   I was telling myself to just RELAX already!  My body was tense, my heart was racing. NO! I was shouting on the inside.

I pushed on his chest, nothing, I pushed again, he resisted.  He was strong...for the first time in my life I felt powerless.  My heart in my throat.  I don't know if I am strong enough to budge him...SHIT...this can't be happening...I won't let it.  Breathe...just breathe, use your VOICE...use your STRENGTH!

"I can't! " I say...nothing...."I CAN'T" I yell again, using all my strength to push him.   He leans back for a moment and looks at me as if for the first time...."what?" he says.

That moment was my chance, I used my legs my arms, and body to push him off.  " I can't, I'm sorry" I cry.  Bolting from the room, down the stairs and out the door.    A cold shot of fall air hits my face.  My heart still racing I run..as fast as I can, tears streaming down my face, down the main street of Plymouth.  Up the long hill, across campus, until I can't run anymore.  Shaking,  breathless, scared.

I stop.  How could I have been so stupid.  How could I have been so naive, so trusting, so ignorant...I should have known, I should have known...I should have...

I look up to the night sky, and thank god for giving me the strength to hear my own words.  To understand the voice inside me that told me what I wanted, or in this case what I didn't want.

Our experiences teach us lessons.  Sometimes we need them taught to us more than just once.  Other times, once does the trick...

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