"You are different than you were 15 minutes ago" My friend Dawn of 20 years says. I say nothing, yet think Really? hmmm
The cloud so easily forms over my head. In an instant I am transported back. Tightness in my chest, shame, guilt, fear. Don't say a word...tiptoe around, don't make a sound. Keep everyone happy.
Why do we let past experiences wash over us so quickly, and take up residence, like an old coffee table. We decide to jump right back into those old feelings. It is like a WAY TOO HOT hot tub we decide to jump into...like we deserve these feelings. Something about them feels right...feels familiar. It must be the way I am supposed to be feeling. I deserve to feel like this because I can never say the right thing, do the right thing, make him happy.
Just yesterday, I jumped right back into that Hot Tub...OUCH...it was way to hot and completely uncomfortable. The laughing, relaxed Annie vanished...out of sight...hiding on the inside, afraid to come out to play. She does not deserve this happiness...She isn't allowed to forget about this other feeling...fearful, uncomfortable, shameful. The one that is thrust upon her in a moment...so easily and oddly familiar.
Our lives are full of experiences and people. Some are wonderful, and others not so much. I am grateful for my friend letting me know that I unknowingly traveled back in time to the comfort of the uncomfortable hot tub. If she hadn't brought it to my attention, I would not be in this place this morning saying ENOUGH ALREADY!
I have to let go of the old programs...the old tapes that play over and over again in my head. The ones that tell me I cant, I shouldn't have, I am so stupid. I have placed these sayings in my head as a strong line of defense to protect myself from being hurt by others. I have placed them there to keep the peace in my household...Day after Day, Year after Year.
It is time..
To let go of the past, for it is done. We cannot go back and change it...Unless you are Bill Murray in an episode of Ground hog day...How many times did it take for him to get it "right?"
I am moving forward today, writing my own story and stepping into it with confidence and strength. Replacing my old programs with good ones. The past has given me my tools. I have learned how to use them, but they will not define me.
Today we start fresh...Lets Rock it. Anyone with me???