Oh good! At least I like to shuffle the cards, the way they make that fluttering sound and watch the bridge I have formed between my two hands collapse upon itself. I think this might be the only part of playing cards I truly like. The rest of the time I am feeling sick to my stomach, my shoulders are tight, my brain is in overdrive...repeating the words...Think, Anne, Think...Dont make the wrong move...
I have decided now to DEAL myself another hand. This one is quite different. It is calming...and feels more like the sunrise with the pinks and oranges in the sky...a warm summer breeze, and the sound of the ocean. I am embarking on an adventure to my inside, my truest self. To Discover, Embrace, Accept and Love me...My own D.E.A.L.
The first card in my hand? Deep Discovery. To actually take some time with myself. The searching and unfolding of what is on the inside. I have recently posted a picture on facebook of me at about 5. I am standing on the front steps of my grandparents house in Greenfield MA. I am ready to take on the world, my hands are on my hips and I have a confident grin on my face. There is true happiness, self assurance, pride and even a little mischievesness too. This is the Annie I am in search of.
Discovery may take some time...it takes time to deal out the cards, make sure everyone has the right amount, square off the piles, fan out the cards in your hand. Realizing that there are some cards in your hand that you dont really want. The cards like...my mini me, my fear of failure, my fear of success, the judgement of myself, the comparison to others. Thank goodness there are some cards in my hand that I love...my family and friends!
There it is, my hand is full of all of it. All of its beauty. Time to discard. The first to go is the judgement of myself and comparison to others. I place the cards down, let them go watching them slowly get buried deeper into the deck. My hand picks up 2 cards: Laughter and Love, this game may work out well after all...
Feeling a little more confident, I discard Fear...Fear of Failure, as well as Fear of Success. The guilt, the shame, the feeling of not being enough, not being deserving...It will be a hard fight to let them go. They have been such a part of me for so long. I am letting them go in hopes to pick up some better cards...I close my eyes, give powerful thought and attention to the deck as I pick up my next cards
Acceptance, Belief and Compassion....Looks like we have a straight! ABC. I have a loaded hand...ready to Embrace the real me. The one I see in that picture that shows determination and pride. The one that fights sociey telling me I can or I can't, I should or I shouldn't. Accepting my true self without letting all my old stories and beliefs beat me down and take me out of the game.
I am playing until the end...win or lose, it does not matter. All I need to do is continue to deal the cards, because I know I am strong enough to win no matter what. I will discard the cards that no longer serve me, and pick up the ones that do, the ones of self-growth, self-discovery, self-acceptance and self-Love.
We are all born with a full deck(well, mostly!) They are part of us, these cards make us who we are, yet that does not mean we have to keep all the cards we are dealt with. We have choices to stack the deck in our favor. Who's deal is it now?