It felt like I was punched in the stomach. I immediately felt a wave of nausea travel through me and land in my stomach. My heart begins to beat hard and fast. RUN, just RUN. As far and as fast as your legs will take you.
I am a coward, I do not speak up. Even at the cost of losing my soul, my spirit, my voice and my sense of self. My self esteem being kicked...and plummeting lower day by day. The sound of anger sends me deeper into myself, cowering in the corner of my heart. Why don't I stand up? Why cant I speak my mind? Why do I have this overwhelming allergic, repulsive reaction to the sound of a raised voice?
I feel like the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of OZ. The outward appearance of strength, yet inward there is weakness, timid-ness and shame. It is time to see the Wizard, my Wizard who is strong, confident and bold. Take my trip down the Yellow Brick Road. This road that I know has places I need to pass and leave behind with my footsteps as distant memories that need to be forgiven and released.
I imagine a child releasing a balloon into the air, sad to watch it go and at the same time thrilled to see it travel higher and higher into the sky to a place wonderful and unknown.
This meandering yellow brick road I have to travel makes its way around a pond of pain, and moves through the forest of failures and over the mountains of mistakes. I continue my journey through the many planted gardens of guilt and past the expansive sea of shame.
Finally to make it to the home of the Wizard. Who lives in the center of my heart, hidden behind a closed door. It has been a long journey, and I will not turn back now. I open the door to find my own Maxine (My Maxi Me) standing strong and holding a bouquet of balloons. She is my Wizard-ress patiently waiting to grant me my Courage.
The courage to let go of all my balloons...It is with some anxiety and sadness that I let them go one by one, watching them drift slowly up and away. Then, there is a sudden gust of wind and they all shoot off on different paths. I smile at the sight, it looks like fireworks; bolts of colors traveling through the sky with destination unknown.
The Wizard has been here all along. That sneaky Maxine! I am thankful to have finally taken the trip to find her and help her find her voice, her spirit, her soul...HER SELF**
** Are you ready to find your Maxine? If so please consider joining me at my Leap of Life Retreat...A Women's Wellness Weekend. Located at Nurture Through Nature in Denmark Maine. For details email me at firstname.lastname@example.org