Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Searching for Significance

I lie in bed listening to my brother, 2 years older, dry heave in the next room.  My dad standing at his side.  I only hear some bits and pieces of the lecture, words like: irresponsible, lack of respect, disappointment, thoughtlessness...There is judgement and anger in his voice.

It was then I vowed not to cause any more trouble than I already had. They had suffered enough through my anorexia.  It caused fights and heartache between my parents.  More than I could ever imagine.  My guilt ran deep.   I would be a good girl, do what I was told, do my best at school, at sports, stay out of trouble.  I would be the perfect daughter, act the way I thought I was supposed to act.  I had caused them enough pain.

The search for significance and acceptance began...

The Wants:  To Fit In; To be Noticed; To be Liked; To be Accepted; To be GOOD   

All this work to be this person became overwhelming.  The want to be good became exhausting.  It turned itself upside-down.  The path I decided to take became a detour.  I was paralyzed with the fear of doing or saying the wrong thing.  I began to cover up my flaws, hide my true thoughts and opinions in order to keep the peace.  Avoid all conflict.

The years went by, these thoughts became beliefs, these beliefs became actions...the only thing I knew.  I had lost myself in my own story.  

It is time to change my story...Today I vow to embrace my flaws, realize they do not make me a bad person.  I have a voice...my authentic voice.  It may disappoint, it may cause conflict, it may not fit in.  

My work now comes in understanding that this is OK.  It is to live my own story, embracing my fear of "not being liked" and know that by doing this, I begin to be true to myself.  It will be hard, yet I know I am strong enough to overcome my own resistance to live a more authentic life for me. 

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