Friday, April 24, 2015

Changes: Part 4...leaping into life

Unfortunate circumstances  in 2004 had me looking for a job that included medical insurance. The girls were luckily being covered by the states healthy kids program, thank goodness.  I was just beginning my search when a letter came in the mail from my dad.  Inside there was a help wanted add.  Wow...was he psychic or something? No one even knew I had started looking.  The add read...Fitness specialist, Colby-Sawyer College.  Hours were 6am-2pm.  The rest is history.  He now says, he just thought it sounded like me.

I have enjoyed the work I have done, the classes I have taught, the members I have met, the amazing co-workers I was blessed to hang with, the inspiring students, and the clients whom have helped me grow.  From all of these people(you!) I have learned valuable lessons: determination and drive, loss and love, heartbrake and hope, strength and support, compassion, kindness, faith....patience and integrity, the taking of chances, the following of instincts, the concept of letting go.

I have decided to turn the corner to the unknown, create a new path, begin a new season.

I will be ending my employment at CSC on June 30.... I am scared, I am excited, I am nervous, I am confident.

From all the lessons I have learned, I am realizing that life is to be lived from the heart.  Passions are to be pursued, happiness is to be had.  Impact is to be made, knowledge is to be shared.

I am venturing into the arena of self-employment.  Counting on myself, and sharing my story.

Everyone who knows me, has been part of this journey, and I thank you from the deepest part of my heart. I am amazed at how much love my heart can hold, and how much love is bursting out waiting to be shared.

Please know that this new adventure will continue to include training, drumming, playing, relaxing, accepting, understanding, sharing, assisting, coaching and supporting...for this is who I am.  

My Leap into Life will kick off with my very first retreat.  It will be held at Nurture through Nature in Maine...It will include the lessons I have learned, The tools I have used...the activities that help us grow.   If you are interested in joining me, feel free to contact me.

Here to change...embrace the fear and pursue your passion.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Change: Part 3...Embracing the Roll!

As I sit and share a glass of wine with an old friend, then the conversation rolls around to the changes that have occurred in our bodies.  MENOPAUSE...both of us trying to embrace this life and body changing time of life.

Hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, fatigue, insomnia, ....ummmm, what was I saying? Oh yeah, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, and of course the infamous weight gain. 

" What is this roll on my back?" She askes.  " Where did it come from? How did it get there?"
Wow...I have one of those too...shit.  I admit this to her....and we are intrigued.  After our 20 minute  mini rant, we decide that we should embrace it! 

Embracing the Roll...admit to ourselves and others that it has good memories in is a sign of experience, hard work, love and loss.

As we face our ageing head on, we decide we can appreciate all the work our bodies have done for us over the years.  There is over 60 years between us of group exercise instruction. There are children, grandchildren, marriages, divorces... There is crying, laughing, supporting, encouraging.  There is success and failure.

It is now time to let go of the little things that use to occupy way to much of our brains and thoughts.  It is time ...we will NOT let the number on the scale, or the roll on our back take us down.  We are so much stronger than that.  We are Embracing the roll, and our future.  

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Change: Part 2

Where will you be 5 years from now? If I were to newer this question 5 years ago, I would have missed the answer by over a time zone or two!

My life has changed.  I don't think I realized quite how much until I was thrown back into spaces and places of the past.  It felt like memories from another life.

I was driving from a work event at Rye Elementary School to visit a close friend in Hampstead. I passed some hot spots enroute.  These places triggered memories and emotions from what seems like a life time ago.

I passed the spot (a parking space) where my ex husband proposed to me...I had cried tears of joy, fear, and disbelief that day.  Past the road where Alyssa's first babysitter lived (20 years ago) her amazing Aunt Kelli.  Past my ex's brother in law's road...past "Uncle Tony's" (I like saying that because it reminds me of the Saprano's). past the hospital where I visited my ex while he completed his first 30 day detox, and where I attended my first alanon meeting.  All in the space of an hour.

Some of these memories where only 5 years my life has changed.

New Marriage, new in-laws, new brother and sister in-laws, new nieces and nephews. I am so blessed to have these wonderful people in my was I to have encountered and known all the others as well.

I believe we move through life in a distinct order, at a precise time.  The people in our paths that help and guide us, and the people who we help and guide.  I can recognize the changes I have made, forgive the people, actions and memories of the past.  Feel love for my present while accepting and appreciating past and present moments and memories.

How has your life changed over the past 5 years? And an even more intriguing question...Where will you be 5 years from today?

Tuesday, April 21, 2015


Someone has thrown me a curve ball.  Things are not as they appear.  How do you handle Change?  Do you yell, swear, lash out, cry, eat, drink, exercise?  Or, do you accept, regroup and re-focus? 

I think I do a little of everything.  For my whole life my identity has been wrapped up in the physical.  Gym was my favorite and best class.  It was a place where I felt comfortable, I was successful there.  As I moved from elementary school to high school though I encountered others who where much more skilled than I. This was a change for me.  I was no longer successful or comfortable in PE class.  My tomboy identity was being threatened, taken away.  Who was I?  Where did this leave me? 

I was facing change....So I decided to take control of the one thing I knew how body.  I would exercise, not eat.  I would be in control.  I found comfort in my rituals.  My rules...

As Change popped up again and again in my life,  I would continue to handle it with external, exercise, alcohol, withdrawal. 

Change is in the air again in my life. I am fighting the old habits.  Determined to accept the Change for what it is...time to re-group and re-focus.  To try to roll with it by understanding the emotions, the thoughts and the feelings that go along with it.

We live with an identity that we think is who we are, yet it is only a small part.  This physical being that went from PE class, to the soccer field, to the aerobics room, and ended up back at the gym...this time  the physical changing.  I am understanding that I am more than that.  I can create, play, write, read, cook...I can almost feel my spiritual center waking up.   It is asking me, where the heck have you been?  I have been waiting a long time to come out and play! 

Wait no longer, I no longer care about the outcome, I care about discovering, about new beginnings, about learning, even if I fail.  I am excited to try.

Friday, April 10, 2015

A Circle of Friends

Who is in your circle of friends?  Who really "gets you"...knows what is in your heart?  Who takes you seriously and encourages you to move forward, and warns you when you are treading toward trouble?

Some of us are lucky enough to have a few of these special friends, and others not so much.

When I was young, all I wanted was to become an Olympic Athlete...yet, I was not very good at anything that "girls" did in the Olympics.  

I also didn't feel like I could share these hopes and dreams with anyone.  I did not have the confidence in myself.  I figured other kids would just think I am stupid...make fun of me...laugh at me...

I now realize that my lack of confidence not only myself, but others as well was the reason I missed out on some wonderful deep and meaningful friendships in my younger years.  It is the sharing of the hard stuff...the heart felt fears, dreams and experiences that draws people closer.

I am blessed to have developed the trust in myself, as well as the trust in others to put myself out share, to listen, to cry, to know that no matter what I say I will still be loved.  I have some special friends,  ones who know my heart.  They will be there for me, standing up and cheering, hugging me while I cry, and telling me "that might not be a good idea" when I am heading down the wrong path.  They can  share their own hopes, dreams, sorrows and fears with me and I will be there for them.  No matter what.

Thank you my know who you are...

Who is in your circle of friends?  Who can you be yourself with...without fear? 

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

A dangerous slide

She sat across from me at the table, made a piggy snort from her nose, and called me piggy.  OUCH...into my head the words start to circle..."your fat, I can't believe you let yourself get so fat, I can't believe you ate so much, she is right, your a pig...I have to lose some weight, I will start right now"

I have to slam on the brakes.  It is similar to the other day, when I was pulling out of our driveway to go down the hill.  I start to slide I put my foot on the brake, nothing, I push harder, still nothing...I start to lose control.  I slide faster and faster.  Nothing stops me until I slam into a guard rail, and I watch pieces of the car roll down the hill.  

I try to slam the brakes on in my brain, but the mental hurricane will not stop...faster and faster the thoughts come flying into my head.  My Mini Me is in full control, I surrender to her power.  Until...I slam into my own guard rail.  Maxine.  She steps up with a loud voice.  She has learned unconventional and rebellious ways to fight back.  "Screw You fat talkin' Mini Me"  I am in control here, well almost...

I took a couple deep breaths, trying to fight, yet Mini Me does not back down, she continues.  I had to really dig in now and dust off more allies.  Maxine needed more support.  Geneen Roth enters my brain, as does Marianne Williamson, knowledge from their books and experiences.  I call on the wisdom of friends and others who get it, have struggled in their own fight and won.

I realize I have to find my own way of slamming on the brakes without sliding out of control. I have to carve out my own path, my own way of handling these types of assaults...this type of self bashing...

Here is my thought for times like this:

There has never been anyone like me, and there never will be.  Thus...

 We have to search for our own way to accept ourselves, treat ourselves, our own way to love ourselves, and be willing to work at taking the time to find it...

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Time to Fight

I look down at my legs...and my mini me begins her assault.  She has been programmed over and over for the past 40 years.  She has lots of ammunition and experience...I cant believe you are so fat, why did you eat that, why didn't you exercise more today...ect...

If I had a penny for every negative body image thought I have had in my head, I would never need to work again....I would be eternally wealthy.  For years, almost entire days have been taken up with comments and  criticism from my mini me.  From counting calories in foods, calculating exercise hours, blaming...shaming...guilting, decisions of what to eat, how much, not caring...bingeing...UGG...

The fight slowly began not too long ago.  I became sick of listening, sick of wasting time.   I was noticing not only the way I was talking to myself, but also the way I was treating myself.  I was my own worst enemy...There are more things to be spending my time on...and better things to be listening too.  There is strength on the inside, happiness to be had.  It was time to engage in this battle. 

Step right up Maxine(my strong, confident alter ego) It is time to go to work.  It is time to come into the neighborhood, and put Mini me in her place.  I know I needed her.  Unfortunately, she had some things to learn... I had to supply her with some ammunition.  Maxine has been given little snip-its of ammo from time to time, only to be blasted by a much more powerful army of thoughts from Mini Me (She is so strong)

I attended a seminar, and a switch turned inside of me.  Hearing the stories of others, to realize we are not alone in our struggles...with our demons, with our voices, or our battles.  The stories we have lived, the stories we have told ourselves.  True or not, they are what we believe.  I have been learning that we have the power to CHANGE THEM!  We have a choice what to think, what to believe and what we say to ourselves.

Enter..Self-Talk...My husband comes home from a training...he brings home these downloads, and asks me to try them.  All you have to do is play them in the background when you are getting ready for work, cooking, eating...whenever.  Hmmm, sounds easy I think, and I would of course love to support him, right?  I don't have an agenda, I just do it.

Within a couple weeks, I notice things changing.  My Maxine gets information, ammunition, new words, new thoughts.  It was like I was taking her to the gym every day and she was getting stronger and stronger.  Mini has gotten tired fighting this new, strong, and educated Maxine.  Maxine has won a few rounds, and is getting energized.  The tired and defeated Mini me is hanging out on the couch, sleeping... 

This self talk has given me hope, power, and independence from my badgering mini me. I am thankful for my husband for helping me with the journey...that I will continue.  If you would like to find out more about this great ammunition watch for the Self-Talk Seminar we are holding at Center Point Church in Concord on April 11 at 1:45pm, or message me.

Give your Maxine a fighting chance.  She is capable of acceptance, joy, happiness, confidence and self-esteem.