Tuesday, April 7, 2015

A dangerous slide

She sat across from me at the table, made a piggy snort from her nose, and called me piggy.  OUCH...into my head the words start to circle..."your fat, I can't believe you let yourself get so fat, I can't believe you ate so much, she is right, your a pig...I have to lose some weight, I will start right now"

I have to slam on the brakes.  It is similar to the other day, when I was pulling out of our driveway to go down the hill.  I start to slide I put my foot on the brake, nothing, I push harder, still nothing...I start to lose control.  I slide faster and faster.  Nothing stops me until I slam into a guard rail, and I watch pieces of the car roll down the hill.  

I try to slam the brakes on in my brain, but the mental hurricane will not stop...faster and faster the thoughts come flying into my head.  My Mini Me is in full control, I surrender to her power.  Until...I slam into my own guard rail.  Maxine.  She steps up with a loud voice.  She has learned unconventional and rebellious ways to fight back.  "Screw You fat talkin' Mini Me"  I am in control here, well almost...

I took a couple deep breaths, trying to fight, yet Mini Me does not back down, she continues.  I had to really dig in now and dust off more allies.  Maxine needed more support.  Geneen Roth enters my brain, as does Marianne Williamson, knowledge from their books and experiences.  I call on the wisdom of friends and others who get it, have struggled in their own fight and won.

I realize I have to find my own way of slamming on the brakes without sliding out of control. I have to carve out my own path, my own way of handling these types of assaults...this type of self bashing...

Here is my thought for times like this:

There has never been anyone like me, and there never will be.  Thus...

 We have to search for our own way to accept ourselves, treat ourselves, our own way to love ourselves, and be willing to work at taking the time to find it...

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